Welcome to the oh-so-amusing and obligatory sad post. I'm sorry that I'm so very predictable.
This time I have bad news, but then good news, and then better news. Actually, I suppose it's not a sad post in earnest, but most of you out there would sigh and call it such. Just be happy with it, please, and stop holding me against myself.
Here goes the bad news. I've had bad thoughts lately. Very bad, very intense thoughts about doing awful things to myself, hurting myself, and worse. I don't know where they were coming from, because my life should be quite happy right now, but there they have been: nightmares almost every night for the past month, growing worse each night. Fortunately, I've had my fair share of pleasant dreams as well, thanks to the thought of my wonderful Cherie. To anyone else that has been in this sort of position before, you understand what a miracle it is to have a ray of light shining through this sort of dark cloud.
That was the bad news. That's it, no more.
The good news (or, at least I hope it's good news to a healthy majority of you) is that I decided today that I want to live. I don't just want to live, I need to, I long to, I can't imagine otherwise. Again, those of you that have been through anything like this know what I mean, and since I've never actually had impulses like this before I have newfound respect for all of you... sort of.
You see, I was completely alone in this matter. Nobody knows anything about it that didn't read it here, and since I plan on never speaking of this again, it's going to stay that way. The incredible thing is that I thought I needed help. I wanted help, truly and desperately, because I felt that this was the sort of situation that one needed help to get through... but in finding myself alone, I realized that there was no person better suited to help me than myself (even if I was being crabby and uncooperative at the time).
So that respect I have for people that have fought there way out of this sort of situation is limited to the people that I never heard anything about... hopefully because you didn't come to me and not because I turned you away, although I pride myself in being the sort of person that others can bring their problems to.
Anyway, that was the good news. That's it, just that I want to live. Again.
This next part is going to be mushy, I warn you.
The better news, the news that means far more to me than either of the two above, is that yesterday was my and Cherie's one year anniversary. A year ago yesterday I took her on our first date. We ordered Hawaiian pizza from Donato's. She kept dropping hints that she had read my blog in its entirety (like calling me a social eater, something that only Mike calls me), but I was too distracted by the gorgeous outfit she was wearing (a long black skirt and a green shirt with white trim, and the prettiest smile I've ever seen) to notice. After that we went back to Pinehurst where we watched City of Angels and she tried with little luck to do her Calc 2 homework. After the first movie ended we decided to watch Moulin Rouge, and while I got up to adjust the TV she said "I love you" to me for the first time. I don't know where she found the courage, but I'm glad she did, because nothing felt as warm and fuzzy inside as saying "I love you, too, Cherie" for the first time.
I've never known such happiness as with her, and I thank God daily for everything she brings to this world. Because of her, this is a world worth living in, a world that I feel a burning desire to remain a part of. For her I have the strength to fight.
