Phew, it's been forever since I updated... again...
Where do I begin? Said as though there was any doubt. =) Cherie and I are doing wonderfully. We spent yesterday together at Geekfest, her annual quiz-bowl reunion. You don't know intelligence until you've spent a day with these people. I was seriously blown away; I only knew about one of every six questions and only a third of those confidently enough to provide an answer. Then again, for all of those, I wasn't nearly as fast on the buzzer as the people there. No matter. More important than all of that, I enjoyed every moment that I got to spend with Cherie (as usual). To my sorrow, she has moved out of Pinehurst for the summer so it will be awhile before we can see each other consistently again. It's okay, there's always email... grrrr... ;)
It's amazing how much different my life was a month ago. I built myself pretty well over the last few years, but didn't know until now that I had left a hole. As I am discovering, I made a decision when I changed myself: I don't need to be complete on my own. I crafted a niche in my personality, and somehow I think it makes me able to deal with how things are now without becoming unbalanced (with the exception of some nervous energy that I can shunt into racquetball and Tae Kwon Do).
Balance in people is important. Forgive the cold analysis for a moment (this is a machine for understanding, not a belief structure). A personality needs certain inputs and outputs. Look at a person like Scott from Pinehurst (very much like how I was for a brief period). He does favors for people, Jackie in particular. His reasons for doing favors are perhaps noble and perhaps otherwise; one could look at favors for Jackie as come-ons if one so chose... I personally do not feel that way although I see being nice to her on average as intentional for that reason. He's also an ass whenever appropriate and often enough otherwise. This behavior, this lashing-out, tips the scales back towards a balance, compensating for the perceived deficiency in response to his kindness. Every now and again he has a breakdown and "flips in" because there's an attention component introduced by the reactionary behavior that has no other output. He finds himself in a cycle. Regardless of how the real Scott works, my mental model or person-thing for him makes a kind of sense. This model is in balance and maintains a semblance of happiness, but the balance is unprepared for deeper emotional situations regardless of the core intellect. It is rigid, and it cannot evolve further.
I was very much like this, I think, until I made some changes. What I created was not a balance, although it seemed that way even to myself. I imagine a circuit with space for a component but a bunch of wires linking the inputs and outputs to one another instead. All I needed to keep the balance intact was the knowledge that the space was there whenever the time was right. It left me doting on occasion, but I was otherwise happy holding myself together, and I'm taking a quiet promenade through Eden now in understanding. The universe leads us to these things... =)
Jackie and Brad are here, and we're going to go rescue TJ from the world of computers. Take care, everyone.
