It's 4:00 in the morning. On the dot. Good for me; I can tell time. I can also do basic algebra. If I leave at 2pm tomorrow, this leaves me 10 hours until I depart for Boston to pick up TJ. My Equilibrium DVD rip download is taking anywhere from 1:34 to 12:41 from random low time to random high time. I won't need anything else to keep me busy on the trip up as long as I've got my laptop with a DivX-quality rip of Equilibrium on it...
I don't really want to kick down that last post (sorry, I thought it was clever... kick my ass or something), but I've gotta stay up to shepherd the download and I need something to occupy the time. If you don't like bullshit just skip down a post.
Ah, occupying the time... I've done quite a bit of that lately. I'm quite content when I take a step back from my little problems. I've done a pretty decent job--not great, but decent--with my life so far. I've had to spend a lot of time in wide perspective because I'd be going stupid hair-pulling nuts if I passed my time anywhere else.
Jill, I'm going to break the silence on this thing, this trend of the last couple of months. You have given me nothing, so I'm going to state simply what's been going on from my point of view. You can argue with me if you so choose, but know that this is the truth as I and anyone in my position would view it.
I'm suddenly at a loss for words. I'll borrow some of yours, if you don't mind, Jill: "Childishness. Utter Childishness. Macho foolishness." The blog post began something like that. I would look it up but sadly your perfect rage didn't archive for all I can tell. I was mortified to read such caustic hatred coming from you... I guess because I knew what it implied. Jackie, a few days earlier, had basically asked me to stop being annoying for her sake. Regardless of whether I believe this or not, she said she was tired of listening to you rant about me; that's about as nicely as I can put it. Apparently, unbeknownst to me, a meeting couldn't go on where I didn't say something or behave in some manner deeply offensive to you. Each time, she had to hear about it. You will never know how disappointed, how hurt, I was to hear that. I would have given anything to know that bit in advance, but sadly such was not to be. I remember a game of settlers. I know I'm annoying when we play, and I know it throws you off. That's the point. It's a game. I was naive to think that you wouldn't carry it into real life, but it was naivete genuine, not malice. We played the game, and I couldn't get a statement in without being made fun of in some way. I should have sloughed it off the way you pretend to, but I reacted with the "sarcastic remarks" remark that sent a knowing look like a signal flare between you and Jackie. Sorry. That's where it began, for all I can tell. I thought, perhaps wrongly, that we were okay up until then.
Projection: the angst-rage post discussed not respecting your opinions, your decisions. I have to assume that the post had something to do with me because of what Jackie told me. I can only assume this has something to do with getting back together with Greg, since that was really the only decision you made within the time frame. I would further be forced to assume that you read my sarcasm and attitude towards you as disapproval of that decision. I use the term 'forced' because I didn't have any information to go off of, and both times I asked you about this you brushed me off. I suppose I understand this. I cautioned you to be wary of Greg. I would tell him this myself if I thought he would care one way or the other; he's smart enough to expect this sort of thing and more importantly smart enough to know that it doesn't matter. Yes, I warned you that I didn't think he had changed as much as he obviously has. I also told you as emphatically as humanly possible not to listen to Jackie about him either back when she thought he was the antichrist. Greg was and still is my friend, just as you were, and I wanted you to make your own decision and the right decision, in that order. I have no more evidence to that fact, only the mild hope that you believe me. That I was irritable that night had nothing to do with anything except you waking up and taking the chance to take out your ill-vented agression on me. Whether that's over and done with or not, I don't know.
Do you remember when we used to go to Rocky's all of the time? Do you remember those Saturday nights so long ago? I do. I remember playing DDR half a dozen times a week. I remember watching movies and episodes of Sailor Moon, watching Moulin Rouge and running out for float ingredients late late at night. I remember looking forward to the weekend starting Monday morning. I remember, so I know the contrast.
Projection: We used to hang out. We don't anymore. The last time you were even civil to me, Jill, was when you needed me to drop you off at Greg's house. Lately, that's all I remember. Prior to that, we haven't done anything in two months or so. We went to Rocky's once, but we didn't play anything since you were arguing with Greg. I'm sorry for interrupting that particular argument, but I'm pretty sure approaching you with a smile on my face in a public place wasn't deserving of the glare you gave both Brad and myself. Sorry that we didn't play the bag song; you vanished after that. Backing up a bit, remember that I went to your concert even though I had a pounding headache. Jackie saw me come in late (projection: she was watching for Greg to show). She said you were looking for me, which I was dumb enough to believe, so I got up and stopped trying to kill my headache to go find you. Michelle gave me a warmer greeting when I got there. Sorry, it's the truth, and oh well if it's not because it's the only one I've got.
So what the hell happened? I no longer believe that you've simply been too busy to be courteous as has been suggested. You can never be too busy to treat friends like human beings! You don't need me? Fine! Accepted! I don't need you either, but that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy your company back when it was available, and it doesn't mean I would be a dick just to spite you.
Hahaha, beautiful... It's just Casey flipping out one more time, right? Right!? Apologize to Jackie for me if she doesn't hear herself... apparently whatever I've done to you I've done to her as well. I'll leave you all with this for a few days... beautiful. Did I lose my composure or not? I'm going to Boston, and I'm stepping backwards until this can't bother me anymore.
Gah. Okay, so i posted, and then Stephen Crane made me delete it. "It is only wrong for angels..." but eh, it's something to strive for. Crane... now there was one depressing poet; Poe has nothing on this guy. You can check out some of his works here if you are so inclined (I LIVe my life by some of these... har har).
My early favorite poem of his is not on that site, and reads as follows:
The wayfarer
Perceiving the pathway to truth,
Was struck with astonishment.
It was thickly grown with weeds.
“Ha,” he said,
“I see that no one has passed here
In a long time.”
Later he saw that each weed
Was a singular knife.
“Well,” he mumbled at last,
“Doubtless there are other roads.”
Thoughts? Comment.
Oh, and if you click the "War is Kind" link, it will take you to another collection (which actually does have the Wayfarer... sue me), where can be found a hilarious poem marked with the Roman numerals IX and starting with "Forth went the candid man".
Denny and Drew are both in town. We stayed up talking last night so we agreed to sleep until noon, then finally call one another. I wager it will be about 3:00 before either of them move. That's okay though, because Denny and I played (and I use the word as loosely as context allows) tennis yesterday for awhile. I took tennis in the summer before ninth grade, and I somehow had this memory of not being prohibitively awful at it. I worried, as I watched the fifth or so ball sail int the tree behind the court, whether I'm this bad at racquetball, despite the memory of being somewhat competent. Anyway, Denny and I decided to test this theory, so we're likely getting one of those hour-cards for the court on Lockwood at the end of Mitchell Hammock. Anyone who wants to join us for some racquetball fun is more than welcome. Jacob: for you it might be mandatory =P
Scratch that 3:00 thing, Drew's away message now says that he's awake, even though he's not answering.
No big deal Jacob. I very likely wouldn't have called either. Call me next time you're free though.
So as you've almost certainly heard, XMen 2 was fantastic. The story was far superior to the original, as were the effects and the overall coolness of the film. It is a fitting prelude to Matrix: Reloaded which is only 10 days away now, and of course Equilibrium which has 8 days left before its DVD debut.
I realized just now that the normal formula of my blog is to discuss random things for awhile until some discussion point allows me to twist into some philosophical diatribe which I bleed dry before making clear that I don't care much for the opinions presented at all. So, assuming that formula holds for this blog post, let's assume I've already done so, and was about to say goodbye in some off-beat manner.
